True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
