If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
MIDGETS
????
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
