I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm really busy with my period
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