I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
