So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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