I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
