remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
