6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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