Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
