Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
