I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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