Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
