Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
