she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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