Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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