i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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