How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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