There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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