the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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