I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
