Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize