first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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