why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize