mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
