I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
