Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
