my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
