I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
