literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
