Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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