Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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