I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
