I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
