Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
