I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
