I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
