Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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