Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
