capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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