I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
