Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
