five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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