I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
