woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
