about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
