fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
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