I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
