a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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