hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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