when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
