So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
