I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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