So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
