PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
