she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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