I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
