wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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