My girlfriend figured out who you are.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
