Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
