the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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