I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
