When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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