You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
