Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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