I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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