I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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