A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize