margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
