this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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