I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
