I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize