I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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