Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
