Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
